outofwater: Me outside St John's before my confirmation at the Easter Vigil 2016 (Default)
Well, I haven't been here in a long time, but here I am to add somebody that I was friends with on LJ.

I have so many places I write...that I get spread thin. I also keep forgetting who is each place and who knows what about me. But this may be a quiet place for some of my "not for public consumption" pieces.

It's just difficult for me to remember to log in here. I still have the habit of reading my LJ friends page, and as I scroll down my Reading Page here, I mostly saw posts I'd seen on LJ.

I hate feeling like I can't share who I really am. I'm really tired of life being complicated. And it seems like it will ever be thus.
outofwater: Me outside St John's before my confirmation at the Easter Vigil 2016 (Default)
How do you tell somebody something really important about yourself, when you're afraid of their reaction?

Edited to insert missing word "something" (8.28am)
outofwater: Me outside St John's before my confirmation at the Easter Vigil 2016 (Default)
Hmm...I wonder if I've found the cause of my "cold" from just over a week ago. The timing would be about right.

Because this morning, I all of a sudden woke up in the middle of the night with a sore spot back of mouth/top of throat and having a hard time breathing through my nose. (Ended up going downstairs shortly after 1am and still not back to bed.)

Especially because the first time, there was a lot of eye-wateriness, which made my wife comment that it sounded more like allergies. Not so much with the eyes this time...but given how sudden it was?

I think it's because yesterday, we emptied and refilled the litter box. And I'm going to guess it's this litter. Fortunately, yesterday we used the last of it...and we had already decided we would not be buying this brand again. So when my wife wakes up in the morning, I'll see if we have any OTC antihistamines in the house and, if not, get her reminder of what I should get from the pharmacy.

(Of course, it may not be that...my wife seemed to get something similar to me a couple of days later than I did...but it's a hypothesis.)
outofwater: Me outside St John's before my confirmation at the Easter Vigil 2016 (Default)
This morning, I feel nothing about it being New Year's. And usually there's something, either anticipation of the year ahead or reflecting back on the year that's ended.

Yes, I do have to work today, but...I'm tired. (And I didn't even stay awake for midnight.)

I should probably regret the three funerals I agreed to play in January. But maybe they'll be better for me than sitting around at home.

And now that the days are lengthening again, maybe the light will help.

I don't know. It feels like I need far more of a rest than I can expect to get.
outofwater: Me outside St John's before my confirmation at the Easter Vigil 2016 (Default)
I'm at the "Gulp" stage of Christmas prep.

Last choir rehearsal was last night. It was...a stretch...I had people saying "I've never seen this before" on Christmas hymns straight from the hymnal that I've been singing for as long as I can remember. I had the small choir I was expecting (since this seems to be the year everybody in my choir is visiting relatives out of town, a "danger" of the season that's striking harder than usual this year for this choir), with none of the extra people that I had expected would be with us based on family members' tellings.

I don't know. I just don't know.

I keep trying to figure out some sort of way I could shuffle off some of the headaches of planning Christmas, so that I don't end up in an anxious and unChristmasy mess. But I haven't hit on a division that (a) would work, and (b) wouldn't feel like a complete abdication of my responsibilities.

And I'm beginning to feel pissed off that I don't have time or money (or a job where I could take this time of year off) to be with family this year. Last time I saw any of my family in person was at the blessing of our marriage (which was 20 months ago now). Last time I saw anybody other than my parents? Before I left Canada, three years ago next week.

I just woke up at 3:30am, even though I didn't get to sleep until about midnight, and even though I'm still dead tired. But the brain was in full racing mode: too many details for Christmas.

Today's supposed to be crazy: too much running around to do, and hope that tonight's singalong Messiah trip is (as it's intended to be) a net gain of energy and not just expending energy).

And to top everything off, I feel like I'm coming down with something. Sigh. I hope it's just stress, and not some sort of bug. Because then there's hope it'll go away when the stress level drops.
outofwater: Me outside St John's before my confirmation at the Easter Vigil 2016 (Default)
Just got an e-mail from my mother, that her aunt did in fact die last night.

Even suspecting it...wasn't prepared. And I have no idea how I do this. Too much stress. And now the added guilt about not being able to go back.

I have too much to do today. And I feel horribly selfish saying that, and that adds to the guilt. But I don't know that I can look at the rest of it...a generation seems to be slipping away that meant the world to me growing up.

Just stop the clock. I'm tired of time always moving forward.
outofwater: Me outside St John's before my confirmation at the Easter Vigil 2016 (Default)
I feel like I'm waiting for yet another death.

Got an e-mail a few days ago that one of my great aunts is not well. Her daughter was flying from Las Vegas to Canada, but the doctors were saying that my great aunt might not make it until she arrived.

It's been a horrible year for that, made even worse by the fact that I'm in another country. Last summer, my grandmother was given less than six months to live. Last October, her sister (one of my great aunts) died. My great uncle (her husband) died earlier this year. My wife's grandmother died last month. This great aunt could die at any time. (And perhaps she already has: I've already seen one Facebook post from a family member that could refer to that or to something else.)

And the timing is horrible. I can't get back for a funeral now. My green card is expiring and I need to submit paperwork to renew it. I won't even have a driver's license after Sunday, until I get the paperwork back that immigration is processing the "removal of conditions" on my green card (and bring that to the DMV, etc.)

And this is the second or third night this week that I've wakened at a horrible hour, and been too anxious to get back to sleep or to do anything useful with the time. :-(

And don't get me started on Christmas.

At least my wife is back to full-time status after several months, which will mean the reinstatement of her benefits (which means we'll have health insurance coverage again). Got to have some good to balance everything else.
outofwater: Me outside St John's before my confirmation at the Easter Vigil 2016 (Default)
I hate when my wife unexpectedly gets out of bed in the middle of the night and moves to the other room. I hope last night it wasn't because I closed the door to keep the cats out. There isn't room for my wife and two cats and I in one queen bed. And the cats are stubborn. And I don't sleep well anywhere else.

What we probably need is a king-size bed, because when we use them in hotels, sharing a bed isn't a problem. But that's $ we don't have, especially after the last week and my wife missing some work and traveling out of state. sigh (Not that we had the money, really, before that.)

And even though I'm not as comfortable when she's in the bed, I don't want to say anything unless I absolutely have to. I know there's some echoes of a past relationship for her around that. And it bugs me that I don't sleep well in the other beds in the house.

I shouldn't think in the dark. I'll stop now.



outofwater: Me outside St John's before my confirmation at the Easter Vigil 2016 (Default)
Last Saturday evening, my wife's grandmother died at the age of 97.

On Monday, I made a solo road trip for the first time, driving more than 600 miles to join my wife for the service. I wasn't terribly helpful while I was there, I don't think, because of the after-effects of the drive and the fact that we didn't have a hotel room, so there were always people around (and, since I haven't met my wife's extended family very often, people I didn't really know). But I know my presence was quite appreciated by my wife and my mother-in-law (especially since my father-in-law decided not to make the trip).

Tuesday evening, we drove for a couple of hours to drop off my wife's rental car at the airport and start the trip home (so we wouldn't have to do ALL of it the day before Thanksgiving on I-95). Later start than I would have hoped for, given how tired my wife was (and with her health conditions, she will take far more time to recover from being tired than most people...so I didn't want to delay that).

She drove most of the way home, though I did 175 miles of it.

So yesterday, we played it quiet. We had a quick trip to my in-law's house to drop off some stuff that my mother-in-law had sent back in our van, rather than take on the plane with her. And my wife put in about 4 hours of work, since she telecommutes and had missed some time earlier in the week. (Since she's part time, she doesn't get any paid bereavement leave). We went to Uno and had deep dish pizza for dinner.

Today, I try to figure out what needs to be done before work on Sunday, and try to do it without pestering the boss too much (since the office is still closed for the holiday). Sigh. I need a vacation.
outofwater: Me outside St John's before my confirmation at the Easter Vigil 2016 (Default)
This week has been a hectic one.

We got a call early in the week that my wife's grandmother had been admitted to hospital. Nana had just celebrated her 97th birthday with a major celebration, with children flying in from out of state. And that seems to be what she held on for.

So Wednesday, I dropped my wife off at the airport and she flew with her mother down to be at the bedside with other relatives. My father-in-law and I will likely follow when we know when the service will be held.

And I'm also stressed out about something else, but I'm not ready to share that with the world yet. That's been a longer-term stress anyway, and isn't going to be resolved in the next month or two...so...shrug

Not the most upbeat post ever, but that's where I am today.
outofwater: Me outside St John's before my confirmation at the Easter Vigil 2016 (Default)
Earlier this morning, I read a tweet that sent me to an article from Britain's The Independent: It starts with calling names, but can end in despair and suicide: Study says nine in 10 children have either been bullied or witnessed others being abused in school.

And it got me thinking about my own experiences with bullying. There were two bullies in high school who I ended up reporting to the administration. Both involved physical violence against me. One seemed to make it his mission to prevent me from getting to the music room. Room 210 was down a short side hallway and he and a couple of friends took the opportunity to shove me around. Because I couldn't get to the room without passing them (or close to them). It was more of a nuisance to me than anything else and it stopped quickly, once I reported it. (I have to say that my school had a good anti-harassment policy.)

The other experience, in the same school. It actually happened in class. That was scarier. The room was set up so that the door was at the front right of the room. My desk was at the front left. The bully's was front and middle. There was at least a row between us. But I did have to pass his desk to get to mine.

More importantly, the class pencil sharpener was just in front of my desk, as well as (I think) a table or shelf where books were stored. Which meant that he had legitimate reason to be right near my desk. And on one occasion, he just up and kicked toward my head. Out of the blue.

That one got to me. Especially because the teacher was oblivious. (Oblivious to the incident, but also in general. He was known to talk to his chalk.) I remember walking in the hall, trying to force myself to go into class. And not being able to do it, because I was afraid. I was a good student, I loved learning, and I was afraid to go into the classroom. I couldn't force myself to do it.

I reported it. I'm sure he got into trouble. But I think there is one place where the school failed me. Nobody really checked to make sure I was OK. I mean, I know they made sure I was physically OK. But nobody really checked up on how I was. And I was able to get back into class. It feels like "out of sight, out of mind": my physical body can't be ignored. And since it was healthy and it was back in class...it feels like that's where the school felt its responsibilities ended.

That's the first time I remember fear and anxiety. I've definitely felt them since then.

And it's also like these two things have pushed out the low-level comments I'd hear. They don't even register in my memories, though I remember not fitting in. I remember there being comments. I also remember there were homophobic comments that I didn't even understand yet. (It's appalling how old I was before I even recognized the word "gay," and that it was used as a weapon against me that I didn't even understand by people my own age.)

Even though time has passed (these events would be 15 to 20 years ago), they have formed me. And I don't think I understand the fulness of that. Especially because even now, it's hard to think about this stuff.

outofwater: Me outside St John's before my confirmation at the Easter Vigil 2016 (Default)
I had a comment from [livejournal.com profile] cahwyguy when I announced I was moving to DW, wondering about my experiences here. And my reply was important:
My reaction right now is more about me: I'm not the person I was ten years ago. So I need to carve out the time to learn about DW properly. (Which is mostly about doing the "do this once" stuff of making my journal look pleasant to me and deciding what information to include in my profile.)
That is true. And I know a lot of how I feel is different. When I first set up my LJ I was single and twenty-something. I was in a tumultuous living situation, where, after having grown up in a town of 7,000 people from as early as I can remember until I graduated from high school, and had then moved 9 or 10 times in the seven years since then. My online world was my anchor and my lifeboat: it was the constant in a world where nothing else was. So I was really looking for friendships and to be able to share with people who knew me.

I also think that, knowing I was socially awkward in person, I always suspected that I would meet my wife online. (If that was ever going to happen for me.) It took until my 30s, but it did. And I think as my LJ friends and I changed that it was difficult for me to relate to. But I already cared about these people (which is why even though I've been terrible at posting for a couple of years now, I still read my LJ friends page regularly).

I also think that back then I was a big consumer of my interests. There wasn't much else for me to do.

Now, my life is different. I've been married for a couple of years now. I live in another country. My wife has chronic health issues which add unexpectedness to my life. She also has two children. They mostly live with their father in the city we used to live in (about a dozen miles from where we are now). My life is no longer largely about my whims.

I don't know what all this bio-ness is supposed to say except that I'm finding it interesting to try to find people to read here and people I hope will read what I write here.

SHOUT-OUT TO DREAMWIDTH USERS: Any tips on figuring out the styles here? I've really struggled to find something I didn't find ugly. My current look doesn't strike me as ugly, but it's more serviceable than beautiful.

outofwater: Me outside St John's before my confirmation at the Easter Vigil 2016 (Default)
So rather than try all the introductory stuff that bores me to death (and which anybody who originally knew me as [livejournal.com profile] cafemusique may already know), I'll focus on this week.

Monday started out upbeat. I got my wife and I breakfast at a drive-thru and came home. Only later would I realize that this was to be the high point of the week. For your sake, dear reader, I will limit which details of the next few days I share. The good news? Despite my intestinal distress, I did not vomit.

Tuesday was a complete loss, never sure whether to lie down or have a bath or just sit on the toilet. Very little eaten. Nothing appetizing. No certainty that eating would be helpful.

Wednesday, I felt slightly better. I tried to do some prep work at the church before the evening's rehearsal. After 20 minutes, I was dripping with sweat and had accomplished pretty much nothing. And I had no energy. We went through a drive-thru for some lunch. I came home and e-mailed the choir to cancel rehearsal. I still hoped to play for the short evening service. Until...shall I say....the flatuence that wasn't. My wife called the rector and told him I wouldn't be there.

Thursday, most of the day was spent still not up to much, and getting rapidly bored by being unable to concentrate even for the length of a sitcom. For lunch I had a few forkfulls of macaroni and cheese and didn't feel like it would immediately depart. That evening, while my wife was at a church event, I finally began to feel like myself again. I had an hour-long phone conversation with Mom and when my wife asked how I was that night, I said simply "I don't want to jinx anything."

Sadly, I didn't need to say anything to jinx it. Friday, I awoke and found that in my sleep, I'd done something to my right shoulder. After a couple of hours, the rest of my day was consumed with finding a position that didn't cause pain. I never was successful. When I went to bed that evening, I borrowed my wife's electric heating pad and was finally able to get the pain to ease enough for me to sleep.

This morning, I awoke without pain. And felt like myself for the first time since Monday's breakfast.

So, that's the week. Hopefully they won't all be this exciting; though with Thanksgiving and Christmas on their way, I won't count on it.

Hello!

Nov. 11th, 2011 07:39 am
outofwater: Me outside St John's before my confirmation at the Easter Vigil 2016 (Default)
The time has come.

I haven't written often there of late, but there's still a link to my old days on LJ. It's time to start again.

May 2017

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